Are you guilty of talking too much and listening too little? You aren't alone, most of us are! We talk, multi-task, and fail to give others our undivided attention.
This quote from the Bible (James 1:19) provides some excellent advice:
...let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger
Mark Twain said:
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
There are also several anecdotes about listening like, "We have 2 two ears and one mouth for a reason" and "LISTEN consists of the same letters as SILENT." I'll stop there.
Why Listening is SO Important
I believe that listening is the most important communication skill. Being a good listener will improve your ability to influence others and help avoid conflict and misunderstandings. In addition, it validates the other person and makes them feel valued. It is critical for leaders and really anyone to succeed at work and in life.
How Good Are You?
I think I do well at work for the most part. But if I am on the phone or virtual meeting, I’m a relentless multitasker. I know, not good! At home, my listening isn’t so great. My husband works in Information Technology. When he gets going on a techy topic, I tend to tune him out, and it sounds like the Charlie Brown teacher–whomp, whomp, whomp. This doesn’t seem to faze him though. He keeps talking.
Self-Assessment
Let’s assess how you are doing with your listening at work - we'll leave outside of work out of it for now but that's important too.
Rate yourself from one (lowest) to five (highest) on each statement below.
I don't formulate my response in my head when listening to another person.
I repeat points back in conversations to clarify my understanding of what the other person is saying.
To get people to elaborate on their points, I ask open-ended questions.
I try to read the other person's body language while listening.
I don't interrupt others when they are speaking.
How did you do? Most of us know what to do to be a good listener. We just don’t do it.
The Biggest Problem
The biggest problem with listening is that we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply. I catch myself frequently formulating my response as I am “listening” to the other person. It takes concentration and effort to move past this tendency.
The way to listen most effectively is through active listening. When we actively listen, we make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but more importantly, we try to understand the complete message being sent.
Steps to Be a Better Listener
Here are six steps based on the LISTEN acronym. Clever, right?
L - Look and listen with your body language
Use your eye contact, body language, and gestures to convey your attention.
Make eye contact–aim for 60 to 70 percent of the time so it doesn't get creepy.
Nod occasionally.
Smile and use other facial expressions.
Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes and uh huh.
Make notes if appropriate.
I - Invest in the interaction
Give the speaker your undivided attention and focus on receiving the intended message.
Put aside distracting thoughts.
Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal.
Avoid being distracted by environmental factors (i.e., side conversations, your phone).
Avoid multitasking.
Avoid interrupting.
S - Share their feelings, not your solution
As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said, not to impose your solution.
Summarize the speaker's comments and feelings as you understand them.
Resist the urge to share your solution.
Utilize empathy statements like, “I understand how you feel. I’d feel that way too in your situation.”
T - Tune into underlying feelings or issues
Tune into their body language/tone and try to identify if there are underlying issues that aren’t readily apparent through what they are saying verbally.
E - Engage the speaker with open-ended questions
Ask open-ended follow-up questions to clarify, show interest, and increase your understanding.
N - Never judge until you have all the information
Don’t jump to conclusions or make judgments until you have listened to the full message.
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